What a crazy roller coaster ride divorce can be. He says this, she says that, she hires a lawyer, he hires another lawyer, she sends him the bill for her lawyer and who gets the bulk of the marital assets in the end? The lawyer, that´s who.
When people are going through a divorce, the last thing on their mind is being considerate to the person on whom they consider they have wasted their best however many years. All traces of affection disappeared long ago and on the top of each party's agenda is 'how may I best score points on the so and so who cheated on me, lied to me, disappointed me..' and so on.
It is impossible for divorce proceedings to be delayed in many cases. However, in those instances where both parties are in a position to set aside a period of calm before the storm, such decisions can be most conducive to achieving a civilised settlement in the long run.
When emotions are raw and hearts have been recently broken it is almost impossible to take a practical viewpoint on the subject of dividing marital possessions. In some cases, people actively set out to deprive their ex partners of possessions they know to be of sentimental value, just to hurt them. This is a human trigger reaction to being hurt by the other party; to strike out in anger. In some cases, partners agree to part quite amiably, yet their friendship ends in tatters because they cannot agree over who should keep the dinner service.
However, six months down the line may see a very different attitude developing in one or both antagonists. They may have met someone else - always a great cure for past attachments! Somehow, parting with the ex´s LP collection no longer seems as painful as it once did and certainly they are welcome to custody of Fido, whereas before it all seemed so unreasonable and unbearable.
The other advantage of waiting out a 'cooling off' period is that both parties often find themselves better able to master a sufficient degree of detachment to dispense with professional arbitration when dealing with the division of assets. The result is that everyone saves money; except the legal boys of course.
Any self respecting lawyer will advise you that it is foolhardy to attempt such negotiation without legal representation (natch - that´s why they can afford golf club membership and three foreign holidays each year, whereas you are broke because you spent all your money on legal representation for some jerk in a suit to tell you which of your possessions to hand over to old whatsisname!) The reality is that intelligent people can save themselves a fortune by standing back for a few months before agreeing on who keeps what.
It is sensible to draw up an informal contract to cover the period agreed - say three to six months - so that both parties are legally aware that they must come to the table at some stage and will not be permitted to retain possession of jointly owned items that are presently in their custody. Provided both parties are fundamentally honest and considerate individuals, it can work out in the end.
This arrangement is not for everyone - sometimes ex partners are in such a traumatised state, they cannot face another confrontation three or six months down the road and would rather get it all cut and dusted as soon as humanly possible. Sometimes, the people concerned are just not bright enough to recognise the advantages in behaving reasonably toward the other party. Those people know for themselves if they can weather a delay. For others it is sheer therapy to have this period of detachment and reflection.
Jan Gamm writes reflections on life with an emphasis on world travel. She has lived in many countries and traveled extensively in the Far East, the Middle East, America, South America and throughout the South Pacific. She writes for fun and for money whenever she can manage it.
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